Horror Film Survival Crate


Do any of you dudes out there enjoy indulging your manly urges? Nothing kinky before you raise an eyebrow, just stuff like ripping the meat off a turkey leg with your teeth (sorry veggies) or building a tree house for your nephew with your bare hands. You know – guy stuff.

Well if this sounds like you or anyone you know, then you simply must check out the amazing MAN CRATES store which supply cool manly gifts bound to get your inner I’m-Bruce-Willis-in-Die-Hard going.

Food, booze, video games, jerky grams (OMG), a zombie survival pack (triple OMG) and loads more quirky items can be bought and the best thing… do you know what the best thing is? Each gift comes sealed in a wooden crate that can only be opened with a crowbar, I kid you not. Check them out! I’ve already seen a ton of things I know my boyfriend would love (and me as well if I’m honest, hint hint)

mancrates

Anyway, the lovely people over at Man Crates asked me recently what would I put in my very own Horror Film Survival Crate. If I was starring in my own scary movie, what would I need to see me through the terror? Which items would be necessary to secure my survival?

Bottled water

I know everyone says this just in case the impending zombie apocalypse does actually happen. But I’m more thinking about when I’m running through the woods away from The Deranged Killer. You know that dry mouth thing? I hate that. If I’m doing a lot of running, I’ll need a lot of water.

Weapons

Duh! But what? Well I’d want something that could potentially keep on going. We’re not all Daryl Dixon and we don’t all have an endless supply of arrows. Guns and crossbows are good for distance but they will (unless you’re Daryl Dixon) eventually run out of ammunition. And who knows if I’d be in a position to reload. I’d rather have something that just kept on going. How about a samurai sword? And a baseball bat for luck.

Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson

If this guy popped out of my Survival Crate I would feel safe immediately. Unless he was infected with the rage virus or holding a ventriloquist doll or something – then I’d just be freaked out. But he’s strong and big – I could hide behind him, he could carry me when I was tired, I’d have someone to make decisions for me because I’m crap at making decisions. And he could teach me how to do that people’s eyebrow thing.

dwane

A mix CD

Whether I’m killing monsters, running away from hillbillies or staring in horror at a demonic child there’s one thing I’m always going to want – an awesome soundtrack to do it to. This is more important than the samurai sword – fact.

Car

Ideally stored with plenty of extra fuel. Really this is one of the most important items, how far can you expect to get without a car, in any horror film circumstance? Absolute necessity item to get me and Dwayne to safety. And of course…..I need somewhere to play my mix CD.

Phone charger

Because we all know what usually happens.
 battery
Torch

I’ve been scared of the dark my entire life. It’s something that haunted me as a child and then became comical as I reached adulthood. Now at the grand old age of almost 30 I have practically grown out of it but I always leave the hall light on. Anyway, there’s no way I could survive a horror film without a torch. I couldn’t even survive a power cut without a torch.

Crucifix & Book about the Supernatural

I’ve been practical so far but what if my horror film boasts a supernatural entity? Vampires, demons, werewolves, ghosts, the twins from The Shining. Captain Howdy. Even The Rock’s muscles would be redundant against a creepy, freaky dead person. Of course ideally I’d like someone with me like Elise Reiner from Insidious or the funny little woman from Poltergeist (go to the light Carol Anne!) or OH MY GOD Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Giles. But alas, a crucifix is easier to carry around. And old dusty books usually hold The Answer.

Bottle of Jack Daniels

Because to be honest, if it really was The End – I’d rather just get drunk.

jack

So, what would you have in your Horror Film Survival Crate? Comment below and don’t forget to check out Man Crates! Happy Halloween everyone.

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About emmakwall

Films, books, soundtracks, good humour
This entry was posted in Miscellaneous, Random Writing and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to Horror Film Survival Crate

  1. theipc says:

    HI there!

    #hardtimes

    Love Pen

    #meguts

  2. Drew says:

    Great list, Emma! I’ll agree with you on the Jack. If everything is coming to an end, why stress? Pull up a chair and at least enjoy yourself! 🙂

  3. I think you’ve pretty much nailed it with The Rock. Brilliant. I’d have him and a laptop with unlimited wi-fi so I could update everyone on just how cool The Rock is (on a half-hourly basis, probably).

  4. Getting drunk at the end of the world? The World’s End, much? 😉

  5. Hahaha this was hilarious. My fav survival item is The Rock. That’s thinking outside of the “box” right there.

  6. I’m picturing one of these new nuisance drones taking off with one of these crates like Amazon promises to send their goodies along any day now and having it crash through someone’s roof straight away from the sheer weight of the crate. The Rock would not be in my crate. My smart phone would be. I do agree with the prior comment about salt. Anyone who has watched Supernatural knows you can never have too much of the stuff. It also would help flavor whatever passed for what I could find for food at that point. Bottled water. Check. Baseball bat. Check. Something to make fire for warmth and cooking the afore-mentioned unknown food. Check. I suppose some energy or protein bars would be a good idea but just about everything else edible would perish without dry ice…and I actually burnt my hand stupidly handling dry ice once…so I’m not in favor of taking that along. (Burning oneself on ice sounds rather contradictory, doesn’t it?)

  7. filmfunkel says:

    There’s no overstating how much I love this post. If there were a word that meant “mega super-brilliant”, that’s the word I would use. I mean I just about snort-laughed when I scrolled down to see The Rock on your list.

    Kim took most of my additional items ideas: bucket of Holy Water, salt’s a good idea, maybe a portable industrial laser instead of a flame thrower (don’t wanna get burned myself).

    But I would still add Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak and maybe a picture of Monica Bellucci (for moral support). But, if this were the definitive THE END, maybe a picture of Salma in From Dusk till Dawn instead (ooh, please don’t tell Monica).

    Man Crates looks cool. Gonna finish checking it out as soon as I settle on which Salma picture to take (ooh, don’t tell Monica that either)!

  8. beetleypete says:

    I would just have Nigella Lawson popping out of my crate, Em.
    If I was going to be ripped apart by zombies, I would at least go out with a bang! x

  9. Hahaha! I need this now! I think I’d add salt for making lines across doorways and windows so no demonic entities can cross them. I learned this from Sam and Dean on Supernatural. Can I have a flamethrower too? I’ve always wanted one of those.Oh! And plenty of holy water!🎃👹👻💀
    #sassysisters

  10. vinnieh says:

    I’ll have to stock up on some of this stuff now.

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