Top 10 Things You Shouldn’t Do When Trying to Sleep

Fed up with unsubstantial advice on the internet? Look no further for true enlightenment.


Top 10 Things You Shouldn’t Do When Trying to Sleep

Don’t drink a whole pot of coffee. Just drink two (large) cups and use plenty of granulated sugar to dilute the caffeine. You’ll be off in no time.

Don’t read books – try a gentle computer game like Tetris or Call of Duty instead. If you don’t have a console then download an app such as Candy Crush. Make sure volume is on high.

Don’t put your pyjamas on. Stay fully clothed and the reverse psychology will make you tired. Buy your socks in a bigger size to avoid lines around the ankle.

Don’t have a bath or shower, it’s far better to fall into bed feeling grubby. And ladies – don’t take your make-up off. You’ll feel more refreshed in the morning waking up with mascara down your face.

Don’t turn your bedroom light off. If you do then you may get eaten by monsters. Or at least start thinking about monsters. Use a fluorescent light on a high wattage wherever possible.

Don’t go to the toilet beforehand. It’s nice to get up in the middle of the night and stretch your legs. Leave over-turned plugs on your bedroom floor to make a fun assault course.

Don’t lay there quietly and rest. Text a friend instead. If they don’t reply, they may be sleeping – so text them again. Repeat process until conversation is started.

Don’t clear your mind. You will find it easier to relax if you go over each thing that annoyed you that day. This is also the perfect time to worry about your overdraft and analyse what your friends really think of you.

Don’t lay in a position that feels the most comfortable to you – test your body. Try doing a shoulder stand and natural sleep should follow.

Don’t brush your teeth. This will impair the flavour of the chocolate biscuits you should be eating every night in bed. They will aid your diet and digestion – especially when washed down with a can of Diet Coke.



About emmakwall

Films, books, soundtracks, good humour
This entry was posted in Miscellaneous, Random Writing, Top 10s and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

46 Responses to Top 10 Things You Shouldn’t Do When Trying to Sleep

  1. allendemir says:

    No offense, but I think the monster advice is a little obvious.

  2. Kevin says:

    This is a phenomenal list (hilarious as well)!

    But you missed an important one in this age where people make the mistake of listening to whale cries and the sounds of the ocean to take them to sleep. That’s not how you do it. You have to put on Death Metal on the highest possible volume. The portents of doom and the incoherent grunts and roars of the singers will take you to lala land very quickly!

  3. Natasha says:

    I’m trying this tonight!!

  4. Felicia says:

    Why did it take me until the fourth tip to realize the sarcasm😂 . Great list!

  5. I’m not a doctor, but it sounds like these recommendations are 100% medically safe.

  6. Jay says:

    I can’t believe how intuitively I’ve just been following your advice already!
    But this – Buy your socks in a bigger size to avoid lines around the ankle – GENIUS!

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