Top 10 Things You Shouldn’t Do When Trying to Sleep


Fed up with unsubstantial advice on the internet? Look no further for enlightenment.

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Top 10 Things You Shouldn’t Do When Trying to Sleep

Don’t drink a whole pot of coffee. Just drink two (large) cups and use plenty of granulated sugar to dilute the caffeine. You’ll be off in no time.

Don’t read books – try a gentle computer game like Tetris or Call of Duty instead. If you don’t have a console then download an app such as Candy Crush. Make sure volume is on high.

Don’t put your pyjamas on. Stay fully clothed and the reverse psychology will make you tired. Buy your socks in a bigger size to avoid lines around the ankle.

Don’t have a bath or shower, it’s far better to fall into bed feeling sweaty and grubby. And ladies – don’t take your make-up off either. You’ll feel a lot better in the morning waking up with mascara down your face.

Don’t turn your bedroom light off. If you do then you may get eaten by monsters. Or at least start thinking about monsters. Use a fluorescent light on a high wattage wherever possible.

Don’t go to the toilet beforehand. It’s nice to get up in the middle of the night and stretch your legs. Leave over-turned plugs on your bedroom floor to make a fun assault course when walking through the dark to the bathroom.

Don’t lay there quietly and rest. Text a friend instead. If they don’t reply, they may be sleeping – so text them again. Repeat process until conversation is started.

Don’t clear your mind. You will find it easier to relax if you go over each little thing that annoyed you that day. This is also the perfect time to worry about your overdraft and analyse what your friends really think of you.

Don’t lay in a position that feels the most comfortable to you – test your body. Try doing a shoulder stand and natural sleep should follow.

Don’t brush your teeth. This will impair the flavour of the chocolate biscuits you should be eating every night in bed. They will aid your diet and digestion – especially when washed down with a can of Diet Coke.

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About emmakwall

Films, books, soundtracks, good humour
This entry was posted in Miscellaneous, Random Writing, Top 10s and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

46 Responses to Top 10 Things You Shouldn’t Do When Trying to Sleep

  1. vinnieh says:

    This is some great advice Emma.

  2. Zoë says:

    xD Yes, sound advice! I will have to run this all over to my other half, maybe it will help him out!

  3. Urspo says:

    Number one: you have a nice sense of humor.
    Number two: I see you can’t sleep a wink so don’t waste time.
    Number three: you forgot to mention the monster under your bed.

    • emmakwall says:

      Would you believe Urspo I genuinely check under my bed every night for monsters! Haha, I’m not really sure what I “think” I might see but it just makes me feel better!

      Thank you for your lovely compliments! 🙂

  4. Oh God! I can’t stop giggling! 😂 Seriously though–I’ve been telling Tom about the monsters that come out when it’s dark but he just doesn’t listen!😕
    #brilliantems

  5. beetleypete says:

    This sounds like a routine I followed quite happily until I retired.
    Nowadays, I always make sure to drink at least one bottle of Merlot or Shiraz before bedtime. You slip into a deep sleep immediately, but suddenly wake up at 3 am when the alcohol wears off. This gives plenty of time for more blogging.
    As ever, Pete. XXX

    • emmakwall says:

      Haha! You’re so funny Pete, I need to try the Merlot or Shiraz diet myself I think 🙂 can you have another bottle at the 3 am sleep interval?!! 🙂

      I’m a terrible sleeper (unless it’s time to get up for work, then I can’t get enough of it!) I keep myself up late even though I’m tired and then I get up once or twice during the night as well. I’m drinking camomile tea now before I go to bed….buuuut the Merlot/Shiraz sounds better! 😀 xxx

      • beetleypete says:

        You can get away with all that when you’re still young, Em. At least being retired allows some sort of routine in life, but I sometimes miss the late nights, so sit up and watch a film instead of going to bed.
        I can’t stand herbal tea, I’d rather drink my own wee! (Well, maybe not…)xxx

  6. Emma been trying all of your recommendations and I think they’re really helping. Coincidentally I fell asleep at work today. Did I ever tell you I’m a bus driver. Well I’m not anymore.

    • emmakwall says:

      Oh Mikey I’m so sorry to hear that, maybe you’ll fair better in your next job? I heard you’re going to be air traffic controller? I’ll be back with more enlightening advice soon, so you be sure to follow it okay!

  7. alexraphael says:

    Don’t change Emma 😀

  8. theipc says:

    #clams

    O _ o o _ O

  9. drhumpp says:

    As always, brilliant advice! It’s nice to know I’ve been doing a few things right.

    I should add for parents, don’t make your kids go pee before bed. It’s so much better when they come in your bed and pee there.

    Thanks again for your continued service to the public. 🙂

    • emmakwall says:

      Thank you Dr Humpp! I’m delighted to assist and even more delighted to hear you’re already following these ‘healthy mind, healthy body’ style tips 🙂

      And thank you very much for the additional tip for parents! That is sterling advice and I can only imagine the peaceful, serene situation when you wake up with your child pee’ing in the bed. Perfect!! Even if they ask to go to the toilet, I think we should be firm on this one. It’s for the greater good.

      Stay tuned for more of Emma’s Enlightening Advice – with additional words from Dr. Humpp!

      🙂 🙂 🙂

      • drhumpp says:

        You’d think it can’t get any better when the warmth of the urine is soaking into the sheets and your pajamas, but just wait until it cools off. Even better if you don’t notice it and wake up smelling like urine. I don’t know why anyone would choose to start there day any other way.

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