The best lunchtime menu I have ever seen

A truly brilliant food menu!

So a little while ago I posted this picture on twitter citing it as “possibly the most amazing menu I’ve ever seen”. I think one person responded in the end – hi Geoff!


I literally love every single one of those things so much. Though “ironically” I didn’t end up having any of them (NO!) because the Barleylands Tearoom is a ‘Tiptree jam’ place and my friend and I had specifically gone there for a scone – with shit loads of jam (strawberry champagne) and an even bigger shit load of clotted cream. As much as my heart desired ALL of the above, I knew I couldn’t eat any if I were to have a gut-busting scone (and scones are pretty darn awesome too). I suppose in a way I was relieved really anyway. How would I have chosen from the menu? How?? HOW????

The BLT is easily one of the most superior sandwiches ever. I like to make them at home but even shop-bought-plastic-packet-ones are nice (and all the varying degrees in-between of course). Now they add homemade coleslaw and chips and I’m just flat on the floor. I’m truly FLAT ON THE FLOOR. I’ve fainted with pure, unadulterated joy.

I get a lot of pleasure from food.

I suppose really I would have had to have gone with the scotch egg. If push came to shove and I wasn’t eating a scone. I mean, I love scotch eggs. And by that I mean – I REALLY love scotch eggs. Plus with (my beloved) chips and homemade coleslaw thrown in too, I wouldn’t just faint, I’d probably hyperventilate. And then I’d be in a REALLY good mood like my serotonin had just been topped up with people from Denmark.  And then I’d get super tense before ordering, worrying somehow that everything was about to go wrong – “Where the bloody hell is the waitress? Where is she?! There’s more people here now, we need to order before them! Look! A big group of middle class mums has just walked in, WE NEED TO GET OUR ORDER IN BEFORE THEM!”.

And I think a portion (no pun intended) of the excitement does also come from the fact you don’t see them much on menus. Ham, egg and chips (CHIPS!) and beef ploughman’s however (and as lovely as they undoubtedly would be) – are, admittedly, much more standard to a British lunch menu. Well, the beef is pretty original I suppose, ploughman’s are usually strictly cheese or ham (or both in fancy establishments). Pickled onion though. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.

And The Quiche option. A-MAZE-BALLS. I really, really, really love quiche. I basically love anything savoury and not so good for me. The only off putting point being the new potatoes. Now don’t get me wrong, I like new potatoes, but, ummm, not as much as I like chips.

Fucking stilton though!! STILTON!!! I honestly just paused a second, stared into space and imagined a huge triangle of stilton cheese. Jesus I don’t know anymore. And I’m starving too. Trying to make a million calculations at once based oScones7LowResn quantity, carb content (want it high), cheese content (want it even higher), which would go well with mayo and the decisions my friend is making (because no-one wants food envy.) Then I realise just how much I love scotch eggs and this one is served with chips and my head actually just exploded. Damn you scone.

What would you have chosen?

About emmakwall

Films, books, soundtracks, good humour
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37 Responses to The best lunchtime menu I have ever seen

  1. Urspo says:

    I’ve not had most of these items.

  2. Jay says:

    Wow, what a love letter!

  3. The Ron GIF brought me here! Great post!

  4. johnrieber says:

    It’s the rare bar in Los Angeles that dares to take on the Scotch egg, but if they do, AND they get it right, it’s taking a little bite of heaven…and then another…and another….

  5. Who doesn’t want high carbs??!!??!!?? lol

    Maybe the ham for me, but not a big ham fan unless it’s the butt (that nice crispy end-piece).

  6. alexraphael says:

    The BLT is mine though all looks good.

  7. Zoë says:

    But if the scones are as good as you say, I would be in a pickle. I freaking LOVE fresh scones with cream and jam and hmmmm… now I want a scone!

  8. Zoë says:

    HAHAHA this Tweet made me laugh when you posted it, but this post is truly glorious. Myself? Probably the BLT, to be sure.

  9. beetleypete says:

    You can’t beat ham egg and chips, with ‘proper’ good ham.
    I don’t like Stilton either, but the Tiptree Tea Rooms do a lush cream tea with scones. Yum!
    As ever, Pete. xxx

  10. Kevin says:

    Hmm, seems worthy of a visit…or two!

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