The Meg (2018) – spoiler free review
So most people know how excited I was to see The Meg. Since I heard about it back in 2017 I just knew it was a movie I’d love. Huge shark, Jason Statham being smug and hopefully punching it during a backflip at some point – I mean, what’s NOT to love? I even chose it for the world famous Opinion Battles as my ‘most anticipated film of the year’ – see, no bullshit. I couldn’t WAIT!
I went to see it the first day it came out (obviously) in 3D IMAX which cost about the same price as a small second-hand car, but I felt and hoped it was probably worth it. My boyfriend and I worked out after that the whole evening had cost us close to £90 which caused some hysterical laughter followed by rapid crying (only joking, half joking) and actually the 3D was never hugely apparent anyway, apart from a couple of ‘woah’ scenes. But we did get a cool photo in our specs (even though my jawline looks reminiscent of Desperate Dan. Yay…)
My brother, who also came with us – and to my admiration giggled to himself throughout the whole adrenaline fuelled thrill ride – leaned out of shot, embarrassed, saying the people sitting behind could see us being selfie fools. He is 19 though. I’m almost 33 and way past caring. But anyway, yeah the 3D was kinda redundant but it must be said the picture quality was AMAZING, which I’m assuming was down to the IMAX stuff. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a film which looked that crisp and high def in the pictures before. Though the fact I still call the cinema ‘the pictures’ should give you some clue that I’m not really trendy with IMAX and all that new fangled stuff. What’s the ice cream like? That’s my usual question. And for the record, whilst enjoying The Meg I also enjoyed a scoop of Caramel Hershey and a scoop of Strawberry Bellissima.
So, my usual tripe babble out the way (for now) did I ENJOY The Meg? Hell fuck yeah I enjoyed it!
Okay, it’s fun. The effects are pretty good. The shark looks cool. It’s not overly long (under two hours). The dialogue is funny and the film is funny – sometimes unintentionally so but then I started thinking that probably the filmmakers knew exactly what they were doing and the unintentional humour is actually intentional but slyly made to look unintentional because, they know, what we want. Like the Eastenders script writers when they got Ian Beale to shout ‘I’ve got nothing left’ on the sofa with Phil Mitchell after his daughter was murdered. Surely they knew we’d all find that hysterically funny? Well I know I did. And still do. Proudly so. I am evil though.
No spoilers hopefully because it’s rated as 12A anyway buuuuuut there’s not much gore. Meaning apart from buckets of fish guts, there is NO gore. It was only after I watched it and read many angry comments online about the lack of blood and crazy death scenes (some said by Jason Statham himself) that I even considered this point to be honest.
As you know, I love horror movies. I love gore. I LOVE seeing someone’s guts hanging out of a cavity whilst they writhe around in agony trying to pull something out of their eyeball without making the situation worse by bursting their eyeball – I so hope they burst their eyeball. But I wasn’t bothered with The Meg. I never saw it as that kind of film. To me, it was just FUN and it was always meant to be fun. Anything that attempted to make the story deliberately darker or horrific probably wouldn’t have felt right anyway. It would have all just seemed a bit silly. A CGI megalodon shark is just a bit too OTT to be sufficiently frightening. Which sounds weird but if you think about it, is true. It’s just too ludicrous.
I felt the story kicked in well, it didn’t dilly dally and I really liked the set up of characters and location. There was a bit of schmaltzy yet likeable romance, some great underwater scenes and undoubtedly tension in parts (two words – SHARK CAGE). The soundtrack was noticeably good and basically, well, look guys – I liked it. Okay?
Perhaps the first half was slightly better than the second half (so many films are guilty of that though) and maybe there were a couple of scenes that could have been extended or just generally a tad better, but all in all, they did it. They did it! I swear most the negative reviews online just LOVE being negative. Lighten the fuck up. The only place I enjoy being negative is the workplace. Not when I’m watching Jason Statham make cheesy one-liners and dramatic head turns to the camera whilst fighting a 70 foot shark. Er, hello?
To be honest I never really had any doubt anyway because after all that build up, ten thousand trailers and awesome taglines such as ‘Pleased to Eat You’ – I just knew, KNEW, they couldn’t let us down. And they really didn’t.
Watch it, have fun, eat ice cream! CHOMP.