September means Spider Season


It’s spider season in the UK!

So today is the 1st September. Symbolising the end of summer, kids going back to school and sadly, a home invasion of eight legged enemies.

Like every sane person in the world I have an irrational fear of spiders and though we don’t have any dangerous species in the UK (no matter what the Daily Mail says) we do have some fairly unpleasant ones. And the Giant House Spider is the one we’re most likely to find in our homes this time of year. The GIANT House Spider. Yay.

giant-house-spiderAnd they live up to their name, the largest as big as 12cm and whilst they can’t hurt us, they’re still creepy and horrid and freaky little bastards. They run reeeeally fast and seeing them scuttle across the floor in the evening is common in September. So is screaming, standing on the sofa and shouting “get him…………GET HIM!”. Weird that.

I don’t like killing spiders. I don’t like killing anything. Except gnats – I HATE GNATS. Blood sucking arseholes. But everything else is just trying to get along, they deserve a chance. If a spider is small (say, smaller than a twenty pence piece) I’d just leave him be. But there are times when it’s inevitable that a spider must die. When they’re very large and in the wrong place – like next to the toilet. Death is the only option.

My preferred method is hitting them with a book or sucking them up the hoover. But killing them is never easy. Building up courage to get within a few feet of the evil creature takes ten minutes at least and I’m never sure if it’s better with or without an audience. With an audience you do have back-up, but the pressure builds.

“I can do this…..I can do this….” 

Around this time insane thoughts begin to shoot through my mind. Suddenly this non-jumping spider is actually the strongest jumping spider in the world. Hell, I think he came back from Rio with a medal. He’s going to jump on me. I’m going to move and he’s going to jump on my face and possibly kill me.

And what if his friends are watching? What if they’re watching the brutal murder of their brother and plotting their revenge on me RIGHT NOW. Then like a tit I leave it too late, the spider (sensing weakness) scuttles away and the sight of him moving causes me to involuntarily run out of the room screaming. Now he’s under the sofa and I’ll never be able to relax again. Somehow I’ve become the victim? I need Liam Neeson.


So please comrades, wish me luck over the next thirty days as I arm myself with conkers (apparently they don’t like them), heavy books and try to put on a brave face.

Is is spider season where you live? Or perhaps a different creepy crawly frequents your town? Which creepy crawlies have you found inside your house? I’d love to hear your scary stories in the comments section.

About emmakwall

Films, books, soundtracks, good humour
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61 Responses to September means Spider Season

  1. Does this mean that when watching Spiderman, you root for The Green Goblin or Doc Oc, hoping that they crush him? 😀

  2. Zoë says:

    This post is hilarious!
    “But that’s what spiders like to do – bring out our rational, sensible sides.” – True

    It’s always spider season here xD The other day my neighbour went to the bathroom, and I heard him cussing. He came out and got me to show me there was this HUGE spider on the wall next to the toilet (as you described above hahaha), just a little smaller than my hand. I was not pleased. HOWEVER, would rather take a spider over a snake any day of the week. Fuck those things. Really.

    • emmakwall says:

      Eeeeewwwwwwwweeeeekkkk!! That story! It freaks me out how we all have spider memories yet there will be future incidents too….things to come….! We’re never safe 😦

      What’s the biggest spiders you have? Even though they frighten me I love scaring myself lol.

      Snakes don’t bother me as much, obviously I wouldn’t want some mother fucken python or deadly venomous snake crawling over me but they don’t make me shudder like spiders do 🙂

      Thanks Zoe 🙂

      • Zoë says:

        Never! Friday night I stumbled across one in the bathroom, put Tupperware over it (so my husband could throw it out), and then had another harass me in the shower. I was NOT best pleased, and I blamed this article xD

        I am not actually sure. We have rain spiders (which, while pretty harmless, are not fucking harmless to see), we also have baboon spiders (they are not cool). All I usually do is see spider, and have someone rescue me.

        Fuck snakes. That’s all I can say. Ick.

  3. Hilarious post, Emma, and a sheer delight to read! I hate most spiders too, which we thankfully don’t have many of here in the Southern California desert – other than the dreaded Black Widow. My biggest fear is scorpions. A few years ago, we found a 3-inch long bastard crawling along the kitchen floor. We decided then and there to hire an exterminator company to spray toxics on our property monthly, and haven’t seen a scorpion since. Being slowly poisoned is a small price to pay for the comfort of knowing my feet won’t get stung by a scorpion in the night – lol

    • emmakwall says:

      AHHH! I would NOT like 3 inch long bastard scorpion…. that is creepy and I don’t blame you at all for getting the exterminators immediately, I would have done exactly the same thing!

      Though you don’t have many spiders having the one generally considered the most deadly in the world must make up for that….! (thanks Emma… !)

      Do you ever see any around the house? Shudder…!

      Thanks 🙂

  4. Oh good lord.. thanks for telling me this NOW..I leave in 2 days for London and will now have dreams that there is going to be spiders in my room.. I have literally left my apt. and gone to a hotel or a friends when the spider got away from me and I will NOT sleep knowing it’s roaming in my apt. somewhere and can crawl in my ears or nose or anywhere else. This trauma happened when I was a child and a kid down the street was having hearing issues.. they found a spider in his ear canal.. yeah.. no no no no no no no… I suck them up in the hoover now because it’s the safest way to ensure they are gone..then spray bug spray down the hoover hose..and tape it up till next use. I will not have a hoover in my hotel.. I think I am going to lose my mind now.. hahahahahaha

    • emmakwall says:

      Hahaha, sorry Peggy!!!! How was your trip and have you seen any scary eight legged freaked yet? How are you bearing up? 🙂

      Omg I’ve taped up the hoover noozle too!! I thought I was the only insane person to have done that lol but I’m glad there’s two of us 🙂 it’s the only way to be SURE!

      And that spider in the ear canal story….no words. I actually have a blocked ear right now!!!! Lol 🙂

  5. Urspo says:

    I have a fear of spiders; I had to approach this post with trepidation.
    I am all ‘zen’ and Jainist with animals and critters but with scorpions and spiders in the house the only solution is to screech and stomp. Curiously, the scorpions are far more nasty but they don’t freak me out like the 8-legged ones.

    • emmakwall says:

      Haha, I agree with your philosophy 🙂 “screech and stomp”. I know what you mean, I’m more fearful of spiders than technically ‘more dangerous’ creatures.

      I don’t like killing anything really but sometimes, there is no choice!

  6. Renate says:

    Oh dear, may the odds be ever in your favor Emma…

  7. filmsCine says:

    Haha “that’s what spiders do – bring out our rational, sensible sides” … that is very true Em. It sounds like you’re a ninja when it comes to assassinating spiders. My worst fear is tics, and my dog gets tics all the time. I have a very justified fear of something latching on to me and living on me. My biggest fear when I was living in Aus was the dreaded ‘Huntsman Spider’. The thing is, they don’t actually hurt you, they’re not poison or anything. BUT THEY ARE GIGANTIC. I mean, bigger than your hand. And this is no joke (from my experience), they actually jump towards you, like they would never run away from a human. They actually attack. KILL THEM WITH FIRE!!

    (But I don’t think I could ever actually kill one, if I’m honest)

  8. MIB says:

    Forgive me for not “Liking” this post since I am arachnophobic too! I have a trapper which is pay for small spiders but when they are too big I panic and have to get someone else to trap it for me. 😦

  9. Please, please, please x 1000000…..don’t kill them. Spiders too are on the red list these days. I sneak up on them with a clear lunch container (Tupperware?) which I put over the spider. Then, I slide a firm piece of paper between the wall/floor and the container being veeeery careful not to break delicate spider legs. And voila…ready to be put outside. Easy peasy. Our house spiders are called Rain Spiders and also get very big but they have an added bonus of jumping. Good luck and remember….they aren’t dangerous. Stick to killing those gnats…or flies. And remember, a clean house has spiders i.e. they kills your gnats and mosquitoes and flies…

    • emmakwall says:

      Thanks for the tips! I try hard not to kill them where possible, I always feel a bit guilty. And very true about catching the flies and gnats! I hate flies and gnats 🙂 but spiders do frighten me…!

      Your Rain Spiders sound cool! But not sure I’d call them being able to jump a ‘bonus’ haha, omg I’d be terrified. They do sound very fascinating, I’ll look them up!

  10. Haylee says:

    Aww don’t kill them! You need one of those trappers (I use a pint glass but you obviously need to get quite close). My BF screams – a neighbour once came round after knocking door to door asking for the ‘man of the house’ to rescue her from a large spider that was traumatising her. Sam made a hasty retreat to the kitchen, pretending to be busy. Cue me and my pint glass, trudging up the street. Wouldn’t mind, but she had a teenage son say there playing on his Xbox who could have at least tried! If you don’t want the giant spiders though, leave any of the daddy-long-leg types. They eat them!

    • emmakwall says:

      Haha, that’s a great story! I can definitely empathise lol. I’ve seen those spider trappers, they don’t look very sturdy….! I honestly don’t kill many and try not to wherever possible. Like you say it’s all about the ‘getting close’ part and it really is ridiculously irrational. Cheers for the tips though! And I do leave those pesky daddy long legs bless ’em ha ha.

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