September means Spider Season


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It’s spider season in the UK!

So today is the 1st September. Symbolising the end of summer, kids going back to school and sadly, a home invasion of eight legged enemies.

Like every sane person in the world I have an irrational fear of spiders and though we don’t have any dangerous species in the UK (no matter what the Daily Mail says) we do have some fairly unpleasant ones. And the Giant House Spider is the one we’re most likely to find in our homes this time of year. The GIANT House Spider. Yay… giant-house-spider

And they live up to their name, the largest as big as 12cm and whilst they can’t hurt us, they’re still creepy and horrid and freaky little bastards. They run fucking fast and seeing them scuttle across the floor in the evening is common in September. So is screaming, standing on the sofa and shouting “get him…………GET HIM!”. Weird that.

I don’t like killing spiders. I don’t like killing anything. Except gnats – I HATE GNATS. Blood sucking arseholes. But everything else is just trying to get along, they deserve a chance. If a spider is small (say, smaller than a twenty pence piece) I’d just leave him be. But there are times when it’s inevitable that a spider must die. When they’re very large and in the wrong place (like next to the toilet). Death is the only option.

My preferred method is hitting them with a book or sucking them up the hoover. But killing them is never easy. Building up courage to get within a few feet of the evil arachnid takes ten minutes at least and I’m never sure if it’s better with or without an audience. With an audience you do have back-up, but the pressure builds.

“I can do this…..I can do this….” 

Around this time insane thoughts begin to shoot through my mind. Suddenly this non-jumping spider is actually the strongest jumping spider in the world. Hell, I think he came back from Rio with a medal. He’s going to jump on me. I’m going to move and he’s going to jump on my face and possibly kill me.

And what if his friends are watching? What if they’re watching the brutal murder of their brother and plotting their revenge on me RIGHT NOW. Then like a tit I leave it too late, the spider (sensing weakness) scuttles away and the sight of him moving causes me to involuntarily run out of the room screaming. Now he’s under the sofa and I’ll never be able to relax again. Somehow I’ve become the victim? I need Liam Neeson.

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I remember a particularly unpleasant spider we found in the bathroom years back as kids and my sister freaked out so much she actually locked the bathroom door where we had him ‘trapped’ – like locking the door would make any difference anyway. But that’s what spiders like to do – bring out our rational, sensible sides.

Garden spiders are creepy too. 4523093945Though – as their name suggests – they don’t really come inside (except for the legendary time I found one living inside my wardrobe) they do spin massive webs in the garden, on railings, trees and bushes etc and if you’re not careful it’s easy to walk into them. Sometimes they even spin their web between two walls of an alleyway so imagine walking down that at night. The spider itself will sit in the middle of the web like lord of the manor and they have round, bulbous bodies which really make me shudder. Not something you’d ever want crawling over you.

So please comrades, wish me luck over the next thirty days as I arm myself with conkers (apparently they don’t like them), heavy books and try to put on a brave face.

Is is spider season where you live? Or perhaps a different creepy crawly frequents your town? Which creepy crawlies have you found inside your house? I’d love to hear your scary stories in the comments section.

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About emmakwall

Films, books, soundtracks, good humour
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60 Responses to September means Spider Season

  1. Ingela says:

    I’m in Sweden and it’s spider season here too! I used to be an arachnophobe, but then I learned about jumping spiders and they are so cute! They are also very curious and intelligent and can think and plan. Their vision is better that cats’ and they can see in full colour. And they have personalities. Some are shy but some like to interact with humans and play. ❤ They are so amazing, and I've come to respect all spiders. I've taken out two dark crab spiders, and there's a wolf spider here somewhere. I tried to catch it to take it out, but it saw me and hid under a paper. When I lifted the paper it ran away. =P Spiders here are harmless, and while not all of them are cute they are living beings with their own minds and they do good in nature. I've promised myself not to kill spiders.

    Here's a little jumping spider. It means no harm. ❤

    • emmakwall says:

      I know the jumping spiders you mean, they are cute 🙂 they’re tiny aren’t they! Where I used to work there must have been a nest near my desk because they frequently fell onto my keyboard and desk and jumped around my computer ha ha. I thought they were cute too and never harmed them 🙂 it’s just the big ones I get scared of haha.

      I do respect them as creatures and think they’re cool. Just a pity they have those terrifying legs! I think that’s why I don’t like them, it’s the legs and the way they move.

      It’s great you’ve conquered you’re own fears to not only live alongside spiders but also to become friends with them too! 🙂 I now have a vision of a tarantula inside a hamster ball saying “can we play?” 🙂

      I’ll try to do the same and teach myself not to be scared. I don’t hold too much hope though! Ha ha 🙂

      • Ingela says:

        I suggest that you google for spider pics! Jumping spiders first, and then velvet spiders (they are also kinda cute). And then other spiders. I can still go “WHOA!” when I see weird spider faces and get that little shock down my spine, but then I laugh at the silliness of nature! The spooders look the way they look and they do their best and try to get by in this world. =)

        The little wolf spider I saw the other day made my heart melt when I saw its butt and little legs when it hid under the paper. It was scared, and I understand. =3

        Here’s a pic of it:

        I know so well what you mean about the scary legs. It was only months ago when they scared the cr*p out of me. The legs could look like a “hand” or like a “facehuggers” (from “Alien”). It’s normal to be arachnophobic, because venomous spiders have caused trouble for humans during our evolution. =d

        But look at this pet hoppy spider! She’s adorable and intelligent! She wants to reach something that is too high up. She even tried to reach it by climbing higher up on the plastic lid. Then she gets distracted by something and makes a cute double-take. =P

        Try to remember that spooders have their own little minds and only one life here on Earth. Give them a chance. =) Catch them in a glass and slid a paper under it and take them outside.

  2. OH HOLY HELL! The spiders are NUTS around here as well Emma! They’re disgusting too! Actually, they kind of look like yours. Eww! Eww! EWWWW!

    #hugsforyoubestie

  3. I totally empathize (I am a giant arachnophobe)

  4. drhumpp says:

    That’s hilarious! I don’t think I have quite the aversion to spiders that you do, but I don’t care for them…especially if they have hair. In fact, there’s a direct correlation of how much hair a spider has and the volume of urine that will escape me if it touches me. The lack of poisonous spiders/snakes etc. is probably the only thing I enjoy about Canadian winters.

    I also appreciate the fact that the time a spider ended up in your wardrobe has become the stuff of legend. 🙂

    • emmakwall says:

      Okay maybe I did exaggerate the legendary moment…! But it’s memorable at least ha ha 🙂 thanks for your comment!! I read the post back and I do sound quite deranged. I like your hair-to-urine ratio, that is genius!! There is something genuinely creepy about spiders, even people like yourself you don’t mind them too much STILL don’t want one crawling up their arm…..

      It’s something about those legs…!

  5. beetleypete says:

    We seem to get spiders all the time here, not just in ‘Spider Season’. I tend to leave some alone, like those ones you get in the corners, with tiny bodies, but long spindly legs. I also let them be in the garden, where those big webs can be quite fascinating. Julie hates all insects, especially spiders, and she can’t sleep if there is one in the bedroom. I only tend to kill the big black ones, the sort that suddenly scuttle out from under the TV unit. That’s more of a reaction than a fear though. That said, I wouldn’t let any spider run around on me, especially a Tarantula.
    We have had some grasshoppers inside this year. Julie makes me get rid of them, as she’s scared that they will hop onto her. As for killing things, I happily kill all flies (especially bluebottles) with the relentless determination of the Terminator. I even have a special electronic fly bat for the job! Also biting insects of any kind, they get it without a second thought.
    Don’t suck them up in the Hoover though. Unless you empty it afterwards, they will crawl back out of the tube!
    Hope you’re well honey.
    As ever, Pete. XXX

    • emmakwall says:

      LOVE thinking of you killing bluebottles with the relentless determination of the Terminator. Fantastic sentence! Me too, horrible aren’t they and oddly satisfying to kill.

      We do get spiders all year but they just seem to come in the house in droves in the autumn time. Which makes sense I suppose. Ditto with those ones that sit in the ceiling corners! I leave those too, they’re harmless and help to catch flies. Their constant cobwebs across the ceiling are annoying though.

      You’re exactly the same as me I think 🙂 I was nodding in recognition at the ‘big black spider running out from the television unit’ they’re the only ones I kill too, they’re too awful to leave running around your house!

      My dad has one of those bats and they’re bloody great and brutal! I’ve been meaning to get one for a while 🙂

      It’s heroic of you to take care of the grasshoppers for Julie 🙂 can you hear them a lot in the evenings?

      I have been known to ‘brown tape’ the end of the hoover in case they try to crawl back up! XXX

      • beetleypete says:

        I don’t hear the grasshoppers at all, despite the amount of them running around the lawn. But they are very small ones.
        The electronic bats are normally cheap in shops like QD, in twin-packs! Nothing beats the satisfaction of ‘sizzling’ a fat bluebottle. It’s like a scene from ‘The Green Mile!
        As ever, Pete. XXX

  6. newguy87 says:

    I once walked through a spider nest and had a million crawling on my leg but this year i am leaving the country for September so i will be safe this year at least.

  7. Micki Allen says:

    Ick! You’ve my sympathies, Darlin’.

  8. vinnieh says:

    Hang in there Emma.

  9. Kevin says:

    Good luck and I’m guessing this month you’re not gonna watch that classic horror film Arachnophobia, right?

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