Like all normal, sane and sensible people I’m not keen on big spiders. I mean I’m not too silly and girly about them as a rule, if they are small they’re quite OK. And if they’re outside they’re OK. If they’re small AND outside that equals positively charming!
What do I mean by small? I mean you technically get quite large spiders that aren’t particularly scary because they have small bodies and thin, spindly legs. The kind that almost bounce from ceiling to wall. I’m not sure I’d want one crawling over my face exactly, but it wouldn’t bother me by just existing.
Equally you get smaller spiders that are still quite hideous by being thick legged and having those menacing and bright yellow ‘death stare’ eyes. OK maybe I’m exaggerating with the last bit but the point is they have fat bodies and hairy legs (like mafia men doing a deal in a sauna) so despite being small they are still rather awful.
I would never kill a spider that was sitting outside. No matter how scary, how gross. I would never kill it. Inside the house it’s fair game. It’s MY house after all, my territory. If I trespassed into a huge, webbed spider lair (think Aragog) then I’d fully expect to get eaten. Same with alleyways – I can’t be the only person who’s almost WALKED INTO a garden spider at face level whilst walking through an alleyway. Where I live there’s lots of alleyways connecting the streets (I made it sound like I live in Gotham City but I don’t) and seriously, you get webs going the whole way across from side to side. So you see with Humans V Spiders it’s swings and roundabouts.
My partner is impervious to their fear tactics thankfully, so usually he will get rid of them with the old ‘pint glass and bit of paper’ trick but I have killed quite a few spiders over the years. Though I’m not proud to admit it, I’m neither ashamed either and I’ve saved enough of the bastards. Only the other night – this is honestly a true story – I went to the toilet in the middle of the night and saw a medium sized spindly legged one in the bath. Being the first one to have a shower in the morning I idlily thought to myself hmm, I’ll have to remember about him in the morning and ask Justin to get rid. But as I watched him hopelessly try to pull his body up the side of the bath only to keep slipping back I actually felt sorry for him. So (this was around 2.30 in the morning and I was sitting on the toilet remember) I then spent a good two to three minutes (2.30am!) trying to get him onto some toilet roll and into a safe, non-bath place. I succeeded and still don’t know where he ended up.
So anyway, small introduction over, here are my two big spider pictures. Almost proof that the UK is as scary as Australia.
This is the most recent and my boyfriend’s gloved hand. He was moving crates in the warehouse at work and this fella came to say hello. A good old fashioned GIANT HOUSE SPIDER. Definitely one of the more horrific and deplorable spiders our country has to offer. What a monster though! Look at the side of that body *shudder*. I daresay some weirdo will still call him cute though. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And this one is from, maybe two years ago now and it’s a shame that my photo – though pretty decent (whilst trembling and shaking and shuddering) – still can’t quite capture the true size of the thing because this fucker was HUGE. On my phone I can zoom in and count each hair on each leg. And you see those pincer things out front? I’m unsure whether they’re eyes or fangs but suspect – rationally – they are evil, ancient fangs full of deadly poisons. I’ve never even seen a spider that looks like that before. He was on the wall of my balcony and because of the ‘grand tradition’ of never killing a spider outside, well, presumably he’s still out there somewhere?